It's been a long time since I've blogged. The last time I really wrote down my thoughts and feelings were about my dad's death. Before that, I blogged to support my Sunday School lessons. Since then, I've blogged about projects I've built or things I've done...pictures, electronics, ham radio. Nothing really soul bearing.
I used to journal too. Maybe I can pick that up again. I didn't like my last journal: too much struggle, to much wallowing, too much self pity. I thought some terrible things, and I thought of myself terribly. The truth is, I've been hard to live with. Hard for my wife, Samantha. Hard on my kids. Hard on myself. And I've been angry. Angry, mostly at God, for allowing dad to die and the circumstances and the heartache.
I have done lots of reading. I don't know if it's been much more than usual. Perhaps more intentional. And finally, tonight, while reading "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis and reflecting on recent events in my life, a new thought occurred to me.
The person I once was is dead. That person was a seed, which died in the ground. It died in order to spawn a new person. That person is me. I hardly recognize who I used to be at times. The thoughts I have thought, the things I have written, the problems I have solved, the experiences that fade in memory. The things that have remained are the promises I once made and the direction I set out.
As an aside, I am physically a different person. All of the cells in my body have died and been replaced with new cells. The atoms and chemicals have passed through. Some days I feel myself age. But further, the synapses in my brain have rewired themselves. They call it "neuroplasticity". I am in time, a different person. I think differently. I guess that's why I wanted to journal. I may never think this again.
I have always thought of time as a resource. Like money, or strength, or knowledge. Something to be managed, kept, and traded. Time is not like that at all. Time is a transformative substance that exists in the whole of this world. Part of the reality of the universe. It transforms within each moment. My house isn't the same as I was when we built it. It has been transformed over time. My wife isn't the same woman I married. I am not the same man she married. Time has transformed us. I like to think that our love is deeper than it ever has been.
I have become increasingly aware that each moment could be my last. It could be the last time I play outside with the kids. It could be the last time I lay in bed next to my wife. It could be the last time I rock my son to sleep. It could be my last chance to say, " I love you."
But this recognition hasn't been enough to me. Tonight's new idea, that at each moment I am seeding the next moment, the future me, seems to be more complete. And it gives more peace, because in that final moment on this earth, I will be born into the next. Time will no longer proceed the same way, and I will die. And in death, I will become a seed for whoever I become in the next life. I will be me, but a different me, a future me, a (dare I say) better me. But really, the only thing that separates that moment from all other moments is that I will cease to intersect with this world and with this time line. And that altogether each moment before that was building to it. Just like each moment before this one built to this moment. And every moment of me in the past adds to this me in the present. So, my aim in the present, is to make sure this moment builds the future me into who I'd like to be right now.
I used to journal too. Maybe I can pick that up again. I didn't like my last journal: too much struggle, to much wallowing, too much self pity. I thought some terrible things, and I thought of myself terribly. The truth is, I've been hard to live with. Hard for my wife, Samantha. Hard on my kids. Hard on myself. And I've been angry. Angry, mostly at God, for allowing dad to die and the circumstances and the heartache.
I have done lots of reading. I don't know if it's been much more than usual. Perhaps more intentional. And finally, tonight, while reading "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis and reflecting on recent events in my life, a new thought occurred to me.
The person I once was is dead. That person was a seed, which died in the ground. It died in order to spawn a new person. That person is me. I hardly recognize who I used to be at times. The thoughts I have thought, the things I have written, the problems I have solved, the experiences that fade in memory. The things that have remained are the promises I once made and the direction I set out.
As an aside, I am physically a different person. All of the cells in my body have died and been replaced with new cells. The atoms and chemicals have passed through. Some days I feel myself age. But further, the synapses in my brain have rewired themselves. They call it "neuroplasticity". I am in time, a different person. I think differently. I guess that's why I wanted to journal. I may never think this again.
I have always thought of time as a resource. Like money, or strength, or knowledge. Something to be managed, kept, and traded. Time is not like that at all. Time is a transformative substance that exists in the whole of this world. Part of the reality of the universe. It transforms within each moment. My house isn't the same as I was when we built it. It has been transformed over time. My wife isn't the same woman I married. I am not the same man she married. Time has transformed us. I like to think that our love is deeper than it ever has been.
I have become increasingly aware that each moment could be my last. It could be the last time I play outside with the kids. It could be the last time I lay in bed next to my wife. It could be the last time I rock my son to sleep. It could be my last chance to say, " I love you."
But this recognition hasn't been enough to me. Tonight's new idea, that at each moment I am seeding the next moment, the future me, seems to be more complete. And it gives more peace, because in that final moment on this earth, I will be born into the next. Time will no longer proceed the same way, and I will die. And in death, I will become a seed for whoever I become in the next life. I will be me, but a different me, a future me, a (dare I say) better me. But really, the only thing that separates that moment from all other moments is that I will cease to intersect with this world and with this time line. And that altogether each moment before that was building to it. Just like each moment before this one built to this moment. And every moment of me in the past adds to this me in the present. So, my aim in the present, is to make sure this moment builds the future me into who I'd like to be right now.
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