It's been a long time since I've blogged.  The last time I really wrote down my thoughts and feelings were about my dad's death.  Before that, I blogged to support my Sunday School lessons.  Since then, I've blogged about projects I've built or things I've done...pictures, electronics, ham radio.  Nothing really soul bearing.

I used to journal too.  Maybe I can pick that up again.  I didn't like my last journal: too much struggle, to much wallowing, too much self pity.  I thought some terrible things, and I thought of myself terribly.  The truth is, I've been hard to live with.  Hard for my wife, Samantha.  Hard on my kids.  Hard on myself.  And I've been angry.  Angry, mostly at God, for allowing dad to die and the circumstances and the heartache.

I have done lots of reading.  I don't know if it's been much more than usual.  Perhaps more intentional.  And finally, tonight, while reading "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis and reflecting on recent events in my life, a new thought occurred to me.

The person I once was is dead.  That person was a seed, which died in the ground.  It died in order to spawn a new person.  That person is me.  I hardly recognize who I used to be at times.  The thoughts I have thought, the things I have written, the problems I have solved, the experiences that fade in memory.  The things that have remained are the promises I once made and the direction I set out.

As an aside, I am physically a different person.  All of the cells in my body have died and been replaced with new cells.  The atoms and chemicals have passed through.  Some days I feel myself age.  But further, the synapses in my brain have rewired themselves.  They call it "neuroplasticity".  I am in time, a different person.  I think differently.  I guess that's why I wanted to journal.  I may never think this again.

I have always thought of time as a resource.  Like money, or strength, or knowledge.  Something to be managed, kept, and traded.  Time is not like that at all.  Time is a transformative substance that exists in the whole of this world.  Part of the reality of the universe.  It transforms within each moment.  My house isn't the same as I was when we built it.  It has been transformed over time.  My wife isn't the same woman I married.  I am not the same man she married.  Time has transformed us.  I like to think that our love is deeper than it ever has been.

I have become increasingly aware that each moment could be my last.  It could be the last time I play outside with the kids.  It could be the last time I lay in bed next to my wife.  It could be the last time I rock my son to sleep.  It could be my last chance to say, " I love you."

But this recognition hasn't been enough to me.  Tonight's new idea, that at each moment I am seeding the next moment, the future me, seems to be more complete.  And it gives more peace, because in that final moment on this earth, I will be born into the next.  Time will no longer proceed the same way, and I will die.  And in death, I will become a seed for whoever I become in the next life.  I will be me, but a different me, a future me, a (dare I say) better me.  But really, the only thing that separates that moment from all other moments is that I will cease to intersect with this world and with this time line.  And that altogether each moment before that was building to it.  Just like each moment before this one built to this moment.  And every moment of me in the past adds to this me in the present.  So, my aim in the present, is to make sure this moment builds the future me into who I'd like to be right now.

I recently read "Darwin's Doubt" by Dr. Stephen Meyer. In his book he has a calculation about the probability of building a single protein necessary for life. I'd like to thank Dr. Meyer for the calculation and his wonderful book. 

I have audaciously changed some of his assumptions and expanded the calculation to a simplified global calculation of the probability for all proteins in life to have arrived by chance. The basis of my calculation is that some undirected process of protein assembly has been active on earth and all biomass on earth is taking part in the process. This is a gracious assumption. There is currently around 560 billion tons of biomass on earth (both living and dead biomass, this number excludes the weight of water in the biomass). A protein is made up of 350 amino acid base pairs on average. A protein that size weighs 40,000 atomic units x 1.66x10^-27 kg per atomic unit = 66.4x10^-24 kg/protein. Therefore there are around (5.6x10^14 tons x 907 kg/ton) / 66.4x10^-24 kg/protein = 7.64x10^36 proteins on earth and 7.64x10^36 proteins x 350 amino acids/protein = 2.68x10^39 amino acid molecules on earth.  Quite an impressive number.

Suppose each amino acid was involved in a process that made proteins at a rate of 1000 amino acids per second. Currently, the fastest known protein assembly operates at 1000 amino acids per second and is directed by cellular processes for creating proteins from existing DNA. This would be a random process, but I've assumed the same rate. Therefore there are 365 x 24 x 60 x 60 x 1000 = 31.5 billion amino acid assemblies per year per molecule. This would total 2.68x10^39 x 3.15x10^10 = 8.44x10^49 amino acid assemblies on earth per year if all biomass was participating in the process. 

There are 4 possible pairs in DNA, with an 350 base pair protein, the possibilities number 4^350 which is much too big for a calculator. I'll rewrite as (4^50)^7. That's (1.27x10^30)^7 = 5.33x10^210. Let's further say the protein accuracy necessary is only 80% (i.e. say only 275 of the pairs out of 350 have to be exact to form a functional protein). That reduces the search space to 4^275 = (4^25)^11 = (1.23x10^15)^11 = 9.75x10^165. There are 10 million estimated proteins involved in biology. I'm going to assume that number is low by a factor of 10. Therefore, I'll assume there are 100 million proteins that are useful out of the 9.75x10^165 possible.

So, assuming an aggressive process of protein formation, the amount of time to arrive at the proteins we know exist would be 9.75x10^165 / 10^8 / 8.44x10^49 = 1.16x10^108 years. The universe is thought to be 13 billion years old. If the entire history of the universe was conducive to the assumed process then the number of life sustaining worlds the process would have to be executed on to arrive at life on one planet would need to be 1.16x10^108 / 13x10^9 = 8.9x10^97.

The current estimate of stars in the observable universe is 70 billion trillion or 7x10^22. That means, if there was a life sustaining planet around each star, where this process was occurring with similar biomass amounts as earth, then there would need to be 8.9x10^97 / 7x10^22 = 1.3x10^75 observable universes (each conducive to the process, i.e. livable universes) for one planet to have arrived at life by chance. This number is unfathomably larger than the number of stars in the observable universe. 

My friends, something other than chance or a blind process like evolution was involved in life's arrival. And that something is capable of the creative powers and foresight to create all of life as we know it...to tip the scales in favor of life by influencing the material world. I would conclude that the something is necessarily non-material. I would also conclude that it would be dominant over the material world, perhaps even the cause of our universe. In short, I'd conjecture a non-material, creative, intelligent being as the first cause of our universe and of the life we and all creatures on the planet share.

Dad battled cancer these past few months. On Sunday, he fought sleep until everyone he asked for came. My brothers, my sister, his sister, my mom. He had his last word with each of us. He told me he had no regrets except that he couldn't be with us longer. He was in pain and knew the end was near. He asked for hospice. They put him under and stopped the pain. He wanted to make sure my sister was cared for. A plan for her care was finalized yesterday. He wanted to make sure his granddaughter was born healthy. Olivia was born last night. She's a beautiful girl.

The news eased his breathing, even after they reduced the oxygen. We spent the night with him. We told him about the snow this morning. He had hoped for one more snow.

Slowly his breathing ceased. Then his heart stopped. All three of us sons at his side. I know my dad passed into the glory of our Lord. United again with his maker, and his passed loved ones. No more cancer. No more pain. My daddy and my hero died bravely on his own terms. We will always love and remember him. Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and support.

This past weekend, my dad, brothers, and I were able to go to the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon was on my dad's "bucket list". I was so glad we could all go. Here are some of my favorite pictures from the trip.

Today has been a long day. Tomorrow we arrive at the Grand Canyon. One of the things dad's always wanted to do. I'm afraid of the "what then?" The "what next?" I know fulfillment in life isn't doing a certain thing or going to a certain place. It's in knowing a certain One and knowing each other. I guess that's what tomorrow should be about. And the "what then" is to keep building our relationship and to keep fighting. And mostly, no matter the future, to draw near to the God who made us and who makes us whole.

This morning changed with a phone call. My dad called and rasped one word. "Help." I threw on my clothes and drove across the street. I walked in and my dad was on the couch, shaking. I looked closer. It was like a seizure, but limited to his left side. His arm and leg. He was scared. He kept saying "damn" over and over again. I called 911. EMS arrived. His oxygen level was low. They put him on oxygen. I helped carry my dad to the gurney. They loaded him in the ambulance. Through the ER he made it to ICU. Tumors. One in his head. A large one in his lung. Several lesions in his liver and bones. Cancer. Stage four. No cure. A year left at best. Biopsies on Friday to confirm and identify.

My wife was here. My brothers. My aunt Brenda. My sister. Her mom. We cried. We helped each other.

Yesterday, my dad was sick. I thought it was depression and COPD. We thought he had pneumonia. I thought he was tired.

I should have checked in more. I should have taken care of him more.

After they told him, dad asked about my sister, Misty. He was going to take her to thanksgiving with her mom. My dad, after hearing about his limited time hear asked about my sister. I think everything he's done the past several years to care for her. As best he could.

It wasn't "good enough" for me. My dad's house is a wreck. He's been unemployed. I didn't understand why he only sat on the couch watching TV. Turns out, he's sick. Very sick! I didn't give enough grace. I didn't give enough time. I didn't check in as often as I should have.

I need to give myself more grace too.

We have an opportunity most people don't. We see the train coming. There's still time to right the wrongs. There's still time to give the grace.

Dad keeps signing that he's sorry when he comes to. He sorry he's sick. He doesn't want to be a burden. Always thinking of others and not himself.

We're still at the hospital. I'm tired. I'm a wreck. I'm holding it together. Trying to be here. Trying at the same time not to wear out. I owe him that and much much more.

I love my dad. I just want him to know his life means something. To have no regrets. To be at peace. If I could have anything, it would be for his health to return. For him to see his grand kids grow up. There's always hope.

This morning we lost a great business man. Truett Cathy was the founder of Chick-Fil-A. Chick-Fil-A sponsors the Winshape program at Berry College. When I was a sophomore at Berry, I got to hear Truett speak and shake his hand. But what strikes me about him is how he operated his business, a franchise of fast food Chicken restaurants that I didn't even know existed until I was in high school and now are spread all over the Southeastern United States and nearly nationally.

1. Take care of your employees. Your employees interact with your customer. Take care of your employees and they will take care of your customer. Samantha interviewed with Chick-Fil-A. Their philosophy was to invest in their employees. The benefits, childcare, pay, and training they give to their employees and managers is top notch for the industry.
2. Generously give. Give scholarships, sponsor events, give discounts, give people free food. I'll never forget last January when we had the snowpocalypse and Chick-Fil-A was providing free dinner, shelter, and breakfast to stranded motorists.
3. Go the extra mile. Whether it's the "it's my pleasure" at the checkout, the clean high chairs with folded placemats, the employee refilling drinks at your table, or visits from the cow, Chick-Fil-A lives out going above and beyond what is necessary. They go the extra mile for their customers.
4. Family is number one. Chick-Fil-A is one of the most kid friendly restaurants ever. For years, we had the same waitress checking on drinks for our family. She would always talk to the kids. She felt like family and I was always glad to see her there.
5. Stand by your convictions. Chick-Fil-A is known for two controversal things. First, they don't open on Sundays. I swear every time I want Chick-Fil-A, it's a Sunday. But somehow, I always manage to visit them later in the week. They do seven days of business in six because they don't want to compromise worship and rest by chasing every dollar. Second, they support a Christian view on marriage. They don't want to exercise their religious freedom by limiting the families they serve or the people they hire. But it is well known they are owned by a family that has strong Christian values and they don't compromise their values for the sake of seeking more business. And it doesn't stop people from coming to order chicken sandwiches.

Truett operated his business from a Christian perspective that values people above profits and others above self. And he taught his family, employees, and customers like me to do the same.